I am 28 years old . I am successful in my career, slim, beautiful, self -developing all the time, but men avoid me. All my life I have been the same friend on whose background they look better. Although I have a sin to complain about appearance. Perhaps there is no inner harmony
in me?
Alla, hello! I understand your amazement from the fact that personal life does not develop, despite all your virtues. You did not write so much, so I will try to answer as fully as possible, analyzing all your words.
First of all, you describe yourself from the outside. And even “self -development” – it sounds like an external, not internal quality. It is important to understand the unconscious fantasies, because of which you avoid touching your inner world. These can be various thoughts on the topic that you are not interesting, mature or that you do not have the right to self -expression.
I don’t know what exactly your psyche “blocks” your personal life. But I can say for sure: the better you can track these fantasies, the clearer the picture of what controls you.
We are all, of course, from childhood. If your family had a surge of perfectionism, then this is another key to explain why you rely on the external.
What could this be expressed? For example, in the requirements to comply with others and not “disgrace” parents with poor behavior or assessments, in overstated expectations from you in study, sports, in a rigid separation between adults and children who should not interfere and must behave perfectly.
All this forms in the child a fantasy that he is not good enough as a person, so through external behavior a person begins to seek approval and a good assessment.
You write that all your life was a girlfriend “for the background”. It turns out that the matter is not in your real appearance, but in the tendency to “give up” the place to a more confident person. And here you need to figure out why.
This is again a hypothesis: for example, in childhood you survived the loss of parents (or you could leave you for a long time), and then a mechanism was formed for a stronger personality so as not to be alone.
Either you were depreciated, and you began to feel uncertainly, so in friendship it became easier not to shadow another person yourself.
Or maybe a tough hierarchy of adults and children reigned in the family, and you still feel “small”, giving way to the leadership “senior”.
The point is not that you can look better against your background, but that for some reason this is an acceptable way to maintain friendship for you. And how friends themselves relate to you? Are there those among them those who are ready to take care of you and support?
Now about personal life. It is important to understand what you invest in the concept of “avoiding”. You are not noticed or does not develop relationships after the first date? If this is the first option (do not notice), then this, of course, is related to unwillingness to stand out, as I wrote above.
But if the contact breaks after the meeting, then it is worth understanding how you generally show yourself on a date. Do you hide your inner world, do you behave the same as with friends. And in general, which men you are unconsciously choosing. Is it possible that just prone to the depreciation of a woman?
And in general, the very word “avoid” brings a negative shade. It seems that you yourself, without realizing this, perceive yourself negatively.
- First, try to pay attention to these negative fantasies about yourself in order to better understand what you control.
- It would be useful to look at your friends more closely. Among them are probably those who are ready to substitute the shoulder, discuss your emotional problems and communicate with you on an equal footing. These people can become those who will support you in communication with men at parties, events. It is very important for you to gain experience of unbearable and equivalent friendship.
- As for men – here the main thing is to begin to allow yourself to emotionally express yourself, to learn to gradually discover your inner world without a sense of shame and embarrassment. And for this, this piggy bank of negative fantasies is just important, which are not about you, but about your unrealistic idea of yourself, formed in childhood.
I am sure that if this problem is close, everything will work out. Moreover, as you wrote, you have extensive experience in self -development and work on yourself.